Nadesco Badfic
by martheev
Summary: A spoof fanfic of pretty much everything, with some Nadesico elements. Started as a contest to see who could write the worst fanfic. Thus the idea for this spoofiction was born! Let me know what you think, good or bad. Thanks for reading!
1. Chapter 1: Prologue

Part One: Prologue

Imagine, if you will, some years in the future. How many? Uhm...some many. Satisfied? Good. The world is in dire peril and must be saved. You may be thinking, "This sounds like every OTHER sci fi fanfic I've ever read!" And, well, you'd be right. But keep in mind, you've never read this specific fanfic so shut your bitchass mouth before I hafta hoe slap ya!

ahem

We pan into the oval office where sits this some many future's master and commander, George Bush the 23rd. He is poised, deep in thoughts of pie. He hears his doors slamming open behind him so he swings his swivelly chair around.

The Al Gore robot, still going strong after these many long years, trods his way up to the big oak desk. He places his hands on the desk and stares directly into President Bush's eyes.

"Sir, there is a matter of great peril!"

"Yes yes, I know. I read about it in the paragraphum above. Don't dwell on it or you'll get a hoe slap." Noticing a blank look on G.O.R.E.'s mug Bush further explained. "Ask Tipper. Anyway, what seems to be the problem?"

"There's a big, funny sort of war brewing."

"ANOTHER one? Why the fuck do people keep voting us into office? Anyway, what are you consideratin' we do about it?"

"Something Sir."

"Well yes, that's a step in the right direction. Specifications?"

"Uhm...something that looks flashy? The public likes that."

"Well let's not let the public down!"

G.O.R.E. found his way behind the President's chair. Bush pushed a secret button under his desk and a clear glass pod enveloped the two and the desk. Suddenly white flakes began to flutter onto those in the bubble.

"Oh sorry, still got his thang on Snowglobe mode. Let's just...uh..walk."

The two wound down the steps into the secret layer under the Oval Office. There were scientists there. Bush walked up to one.

"Okay, what is the plannation for the trouble we've got brewing up on the surface."

"Meep meep moop MEEP!"

"Yes, and then?"

Mr. President, maybe you should talk to someone who can speak English."

Bush blinked a few times at the small creature with glasses yet no eyeballs. "That wasn't it?"

Bunsen sighed and put his felt hand to his head. "NO Mr. President. That was just...Look I don't have time to explain it to you! There's dire peril afoot and we must avert it!"

"How should we do that?"

"Well time travel of course! It's a sci fi cliché!"

"And how will that help?"

"With all due respect Mr. President, Star Trek geeks who are smart enough to learn the entire Klingon language aren't smart enough to figure out how time travel works. You don't stand a chance."

"Okay then, let's just get this plan motovation!"

"R...right." Dr. Honeydew bent over a machine and pushed a button. "Paging Link Hogthrob and Dr. Julius T. Strangepork. Paging Hogthrob and Strangepork. The Swinetrek is needed immediately."

Suddenly they were there.

"Okay, now they are going to drive their spaceship around the world backward really fast and turn back time."

"Will that work Honeydew?"

"It saved Lois Lane's ass didn't it Mr. President?"

"Hot damn! A plan!"

Their plan went into action and they were suddenly back in the year 2004. After they reached the year of their destination a beep was heard on the console.

"This is Dr. Honeydew. We are sending all of the information we have on a very powerful ship. It is called the Nedesco. You must find that ship and build a crew for it, then you can deal with the peril."

"And where can we find this ship?"

"Moop meepy meep!"

"Right, I see your point." agreed the President.

"Get away from the microphone Beaker!"

A grunt could be heard from the other end. "Meeper fuckmeep." was mumbled.

"We are not sure where to find this ship. 2004 predates any information we have on it. You must use your skills and wit to attain your goal. Good luck."

G.O.R.E. snickered. "Anyone else think we're screwed here?"

A unanimous amount of hands raised on the bridge, including the President's himself.

To Be Continued...


	2. Chapter 2: Marketing Genious

G.O.R.E. looked uneasily at all the strange creatures around him. "Sir, how necessary is this?"

"Dire. Kind of like the peril our future is in. But less direey. Uh."

G.O.R.E. crinkled his nose. "Ew. Okay but, how do you expect to find that ship here?"

"Please G.O.R.E.! This is Texas! You can find anything you need at the cattle auction!"

One of the cows leaned over and "Moo"ed.

Bush shook his head. "Yeah you and me both. But anyway, let's get inside where all the dealerations are being swaped."

The two walked into a very loud room. Lots of "Yee Haws!" and gunshots could be heard.

G.O.R.E. cringed back in fear. "My God."

"Hey I said it was Texas, I didn't say it was gonna be purdy."

As they turned around a small fellow, about Bush's height stumbled toward them in a drunken haze. His long red mustache swung back and forth as his mouth moved to mumble something about a filthy varmint.

Bush looked slightly down at the man. "Yosemite Sam! What are you doing here?"

"Random cameo." And with that, he was gone.

The two zeros made their way to the front of the crowd. They were just in time for the first sale of the day.

"Okay here we've got a very special little calf. He talks, he's golden, and he comes with his own theme song. Great to pass the time while you're grindin' his ass to its bone! Let me hear opening bids for our friend Mooby here."

"Snootch to the nootch!"

...Puff of smoke

Looks like we've got an exciting bidding war going on here! Any other bids?"

"Hi my name's Amy and I'm a lesbian. Sort of."

"Hmmm. Nice capper from the porn princess! Anyone else."

Phhhhhfffffffftttttt!

"Going once! Going twice! Sold to the shit demon for...well...a SHITload of money!"

"BONG!"

Mooby tried to defend himself as he was dragged offstage. "But wait no, you don't understand! Iiii make hamburgers! For kids!"

"That's the plan yeah."

Mooby was dragged screaming offstage.

"Damn!" was mumbled by the President. 

Bush turned just in time to catch a glimpse of a yellow jumpsuit before it was concealed inside a trench coat. The figure's long blushing shoes squeaked as it walked away.

Bush turned to G.O.R.E. "You know, I almost feel as if we've just been hit with some foreshadowin'."

"Wow that's a big word Mr. President. I'm proud of you." G.O.R.E. looked over the crowd. "Well holy beans. You were actually right!"

A gigantic metal thing was rolled into the front of the auction area. 

"And here we have a very unique item. This big metal cow is called the Nadesco. It's a genetically engineered cow from Area 51."

Many gasps were heard, but Zeeke was the first to speak up.

"But that's where the government hides all them weird aliens n' stuff! I once got dragged out there and was forced with one o' them anal probes."

The whole crowd gasped and stared at Zeeke in disbelief.

"Well okay, that was Jeb and it was in the back of his truck but still."

"I got three dollars. Oh wait, and a mint!" Bush said after thoroughly inventorying each pocket.

"Well that's a clincher of a deal for me! Sold!"

Bush took the money and his mint up to the front. "There, it's an Altoid."

The auctioneer's eyes lit up. "Ooooo that's one o' them fancy ones!"

After papers were signed Bush began wheeling his new purchase home as the sun began to set. He began to laugh.

"Three dollars! Ha! I had three and a HALF! And that mint was a tic tac! Heh heh! Texan's are so stupid."

"Well Sir, I suppose information like that takes an expert."

To Be Continued...


	3. Chapter 3: Finding Nem, I Mean, The Crew

Recap

In the future there is a funny sort of war going on. So George Bush the 23rd and his trusted android sidekick G.O.R.E. visited Bush's secret Muppet labs where Dr. Bunsen Honeydew jettisoned them back to the year 2004. In this past world they were to find a ship called the Nadesco to help them being about a better future. After a visit to the cattle auction (this WAS Texas after all) the ship was on sale, mistaken for a special cow from Area 51. Three dollars and a tic tac later and the ship was now theirs. All that was left was the crew...

Bush and G.O.R.E were walking along the streets of Texas. Bush was all excited because he was going to be able to show his second hand their new crew. Crew crew crew. Sure I COULD use a different word, but then it wouldn't get annoying.

G.O.R.E. wrung his hands.

"Sir, while I...well I don't trust that's why I'm asking. Are you SURE you couldn't throw out the current crew and let me pick our crew?"

"That would take too much time. Besides they work cheap. And they aren't complaining about the uniforms."

"What would that be?"

"Crew cut sweaters. Crew cut Jeans. Pretty much crew cut everything."

At this point G.O.R.E. pauses to look straight out from the internet.

"God damn you Jason. Why do you have to put me through this?" He shook his head, realizing I'm the author and could cut him out at any time, and continued on to the Nadesco.

Bush led G.O.R.E. to the main bridge where most of the crew (heh heh :D ) was standing.

"Okay I tried to follow the guidelines of the crew of the future as closely as possible. So this is who we'll be working with here in the pastpresent." Bush nudged G.O.R.E. "Ya like that word? I intervented it myself!"

G.O.R.E. eyes rolled about. "You're a freaking genius."

Bush laughed.

"Yeah, I know. Anyway, it says we've gotta have three women to drive these big robot thingies. The first is a cute spunky chick with glasses. I knew of no better candidate than Katie Couric."

"Hi everyone. I'm too boring to get much airtime so you'll probably never hear from me again."

"True. Now it also said we've got to have a tough chick. So I picked up Courtney Love."

"Yeah. So beep off about it."

"Heh heh, quaint. And last we've gotta have a crazy chick who says weird things by way of bad puns. Since she was sleeping in the gutter by the ship anyway I recruited Farrah Fawcett"

"This...ship is big. Big as a FOX!"

"Yeah so her we'll work on. Anyway there's also a teenage boy that gets all the attention from the ladies on board. One of the hottest things going in this time was Frankie Muniz."

When they all looked where Frankie was supposed to be, they saw a much bigger, much older man. Standing in his place was...

"Bill Clinton? What are you doing here?" Bush inquired.

"Well I heard a job where I'd get jumped on by a bunch of women was open. But my sax playing skills went downhill during my Presidency so rock star was out. This was my second choice."

"But what about Frankie?"

"Oh I stuffed that little tard in a locker somewhere."

Cut to a darkened room when Frankie Muniz pounds hard on the locked locker door.

"Let me out of here! You can't do this to me! I own a car from 'The Fast And The Furious'! sigh God damnit."

Cut back to the crew.

"Well anyway," Bush went on to explain. "We've gotta have some muscle, so I went out and got the most bravest person I could think of. Everyone say hello to Scrappy Doo!"

"Let me attem! Let me attem! Woo woo woo!"

"Hmm? Maybe he has Three Stooges roots. Anyway, on to our background crew. First we have some guy who walks around in a captain outfit. So I got Long John Silver!" Bush let the idea linger for a few seconds before continuing. "Okay so I found out he wasn't really real so how about we move on? We have two girls who get to sit here and push buttons. Since we had two spots to fill I choose everyone's favorite twins Mary Kate and Ashley Olson."

Ashley smiled and waved. "Hey everyone."

Bush looked around. "Where's Mary Kate?"

"Purging."

"Huwaulgggg!" came from the bathroom.

"Right anyway. Next up is the actual captain of the ship. I was able to get an ancestor of the Nadesco's future captain. This is Yurika's anscestoral Ahha"

"Hey. I promise to be just as inept as I hear my great great great...gee I'm tired."

"Yep. Funnation! And next we have what any good anime related story needs. I cocky guy who yells! Rush Limbaugh!"

"RIGHT! EveryONE! Get to know ME for I AM GOD!"

"What a bastard. Lastly we have the creepy person who ends up being the smartest one on the ship. Everyone welcome our last member, Homsar!"

"DooOOOOn't mess with me! I eat pudding with a spoooon!"

"And that appears to be everyone."

G.O.R.E. nudged Bush. "It says here there's one more we need. A cool guy who doesn't last long."

Bush thought about it for a moment then made a phone call. Into the ship walked Will Ferrell.

"Hey guys." BLAM "Ah! AH! You shot me right in my arm! Can I die from that?" And he promptly keeled over.

"Looks like yeah. Okay, anything else?"

G.O.R.E. looked passive.

"Well this IS the past. Equality was a big thing back now. We should have a black character here."

"Oh right, forgot." Bush said while smacking his head. "Everyone welcome Lando."

"He..."

"Welcome to you Lando. Okay NOW that's everyone so let's settle in. But first a meal."

The crew headed for the mess hall. G.O.R.E. looked at his sheet one last time.

"So it says here we're supposed to have an androgynous chef."

"That'd be me! giggle"

Michael Jackson stood in the doorway and waved. He ushered them in and sat them down. He looked a bit confused when he saw Bill Clinton."

"Hey you're not a supple young boy."

Clinton shrugged. "Nope."

"Damn!" Michael muttered before disappearing into the kitchen.

G.O.R.E. looked at Bush.

"Well you have your crew. Now what?"

"What?"

"Didn't you hear me?"

"Oh yeah, I'm just whatting your what."

G.O.R.E. grunted under his breath.

"I hate the hell out of you Jason."

To Be Continued...


	4. Chapter 4: Meeting The Enemies

Recap

George Bush the 23rd and his trusty robot sidekick G.O.R.E. came back to 2004 to prevent the funny sort of war that was going on in their time. They were instructed to find a ship called the Nedesco and were able to do that by way of a cattle auction. Bush quickly put together his rag tag crew of Katie Couric, Courtney Love, Farrah Fawcett, Bill Clinton (who made sure he took the place of the young boy who got all the girl's attention), Scrappy Doo, The Olsen Twins, ship Captain Ahha, the cousin of the woman who would horribly direct the ship in the future, Yurika, intelligence director Homsar, and Michael Jackson filling the role of androgynous chef, with poor Frankie Muniz stuffed away in a locker somewhere. Now if they only had an action scene...

Bush and G.O.R.E. were once again walking down the street. Mainly because I'm too lazy to come up with a new opening.

"Boy I just love days like this." Bush exhaled. "Birds are singin' in the sky. The wind is singing in the sky. And my underwear ain't aridin' up my ass crack. Yep. Free and breathin' ass crack. GOTTA love a day like that!"

G.O.R.E. had no response. Mainly because I'm too lazy to give him one.

The two walked around a corner and came face to face with three giggling women. One was tall and had brown hair. A slightly shorter one looked a lot like her, perhaps her sister. And then there was the short fat troll following along beside them. The three stopped their fun instantaneously. They stood like stone, not moving to twitch.

Bush read the shirts they had on.

"Dixie Chicks." He poked G.O.R.E. in his side and giggled. "Hey it's some o' them hermadapholent people."

Emily looked at her sister Marty. Then they both looked down at the troll.

"Shit Natalie!" Emily uttered in a whisper. "He found you!"

"What do we do what do we do?" Marty began asking frantically.

Natalie pulled a step stool out of her back pocket to climb up on. She reached out and slapped Marty across her face.

"Shut UP I can't think with you jabberin' on like that!"

Natalie got down and put her stool away. The three women stood there staring and motionless again. Bush returned with a warm smile, completely unaware as to what they were doing.

"My God do you see the way he's staring at us?" Emily questioned. "It's like you can see straight through his eyes like...like there's nothing in there at all."

"Are you kidding he's so diabolical there's always something going on in there!" Natalie accused.

The camera moves into Bush's brain cells. They are all happily chasing a squirrel around and around. They look saddened when it scurries up a tree where they can't reach it.

"What do we do now?" one asked.

Another one got to thinking. "Well those branches look mighty dangerous. They might, like poke somebody. That damn squirrel's got weapons of mask pokestruction! We gotta invade!"

But he was alone for the other brain cells thought he had said pokeMON and were now searching the grounds for other creatures while softly chanting "gotta catch 'em all, gotta catch 'em all"

"There goes a Bin laden!"

"Get it!"

"There goes a Michael Moore!"

"Blow 'im up!"

And the camera zooms back out to the three women still standing there and Bush still smiling happily at them. Although he does begin to hum.

"Gotta catch 'em all." he mumbles under his breath.

The three womens' eyes widened in fright.

"Oh my God, he's gonna catch us ALL! RUN!" And they skittered off into the darkness of an alleyway. They were long gone in a few seconds.

The two men stood there and watched them go. Bush rocked back and forth silently for a short time.

"POKEMON!"

G.O.R.E. jumped at Bush's sudden outburst. "I think that's on right now Sir."

"Well damn we'd better get back to the ship! Damn thing better get the WB!"

As they were headed back they came across a window where they could see a crowd of people standing around someone inside. G.O.R.E. pulled out his future thingie and it told him who this important person was.

"This future thingie tells me that man is Senator John Kerry. Apparently one of your ancestors went up against him a Presidential race. Seems he disappeared shortly after that."

"Should've happened before the race. That's what we always pay for."

"What?" G.O.R.E. questioned.

"What? No. Nothing." then Bush began to make a sound like a turkey. "Destractinatin' ain't it?"

"Very. But maybe this link to your past can...well it's the next scene Jason wants to do so let's just watch okay. Besides he looks like he's about to make an important announcement."

With sweat on his brow and a deep breath, Kerry opens his mouth.

"After much deliberating I have decided that I, Vietnam war hero John Kerry, would indeed...like fries with that."

The crowd began mumbling amongst themselves.

"But they're so fat and unhealthy. That guy on the movie said so!"

Kerry opened his mouth again.

"After further deliberation I have decided that fries are not needed in this meal. So I, Vietnam war hero John Kerry, have decided that fries are not welcomed here. But they can, in fact, still call me sometime if they so wish to set up a friendly appointment."

"But they taste so good!" wafted through the crowd.

Kerry clenched his jaw and, once again, opened his mouth.

"After deliberation about the deliberation of my previous deliberating I, Vietnam war whoreer...I mean...hero, John Kerry, have decided that fries will in fact be accepted here."

A dirty hippie began to cry. "But those poor potatoes! How do you think they feel?"

Kerry began to look obviously confused. His eyes darted back and forth and his breath came in gasps.

"C...CHERRY COKE!" he screamed.

"Whatever." the teen behind the counter mumbled. "You gonna want a hot apple pie or somethin'?"

It was at that exact moment that Kerry's head exploded.

Bush and G.O.R.E. looked at one another and shrugged. Then they headed for the ship.

As soon as they got there the red light went off.

"Something's wrong!" Bush exclaimed.

"Quite astute. Im near proud of you." G.O.R.E. mentioned.

After a check of the monitor they saw bad people coming.

"Well Sir," G.O.R.E. said. "Looks like it's time to battle."

But...but..." Bush pleaded.

"What is it Sir?" G.O.R.E. asked with panic.

"P...pokemon!" Bush whimpered.

G.O.R.E. rolled his eyes. "I'll tape it."

Bush clapped his hands gleefully. "Oh goodie goodie gumshoe!" Bush looked out the doorway of the shuttle. His team had assembled behind him, drawn by the noise. Their leader looked out with his hands on his hips and a big smile on his face.

"And now...Battle Sequence!"

Note Battle sequence has been withheld until next chapter because...well Jason's just feeling lazy today okay? He just found out he's going to have to work extra hours tonight and stuff. You really should lay off. Geeze.

To Be Continued...


	5. Chapter 5: Battle Sequence!

Recap

George Bush the 23rd and his trusty robot sidekick G.O.R.E. came back to 2004 to prevent some kind of funny sort of war that was going on in their time. They were instructed to find a ship called the Nedesco, which they bought at a cattle auction. Bush quickly put together his rag tag crew of Katie Couric, Courtney Love, Farrah Fawcett, Bill Clinton (who made sure he took the place of the young boy who got all the girl's attention), Scrappy Doo, The Olsen Twins, Rush Limbaugh, ship Captain Ahha, the cousin of the woman who would horribly direct the ship in the future Yurika, intelligence director Homsar, and Michael Jackson filling the role of androgynous chef, with poor Frankie Muniz stuffed away in a locker somewhere. Before doing anything else, Bush and G.O.R.E. took a day off and wandered around town where they met with the opposing side in The Dixie Chicks and Senator John Kerry. Now it was time for some action!

The team was ready to fight, so they started to do so. They jumped out of the ship and got in their pretty fighting stances. When they saw who they were up against, they shuddered. The enemies called out their names, just to be sure everyone knew who they were.

"Brett Butler! Drunken redneck attack!"

"Fran Drescer! Annoying laugh attack!"

"Roseanne Barrnold! Just fat!"

"Oh my GOD it's a bunch of feminist, lesbian PIGS! Let me SEE what I can DO!" Rush Limbaugh was the first out of the gate. He ran up to them. "You are worthLESS! You nEEd to be IN the kitCHEN where you BElong! Not out FIghting! This is vioLENCE! That's a MAN's job!"

Brett Butler puked on him, the acid from her beer filled belly melting him instantly.

"Oh what a WORLD what A world! Women BEAT me! And not in the good MASturBAtion way! SHIt!"

"Damn! That's one off our list!" Bush said, crossing the name off on the actual list he had in front of him.

"Let me attem! Let me attem!" Scrappy Doo pleaded. He ran up to them and began jumping around and punching the air like a real fag. Fran Drescer knew how to take care of him.

"AHAHAAAHAHAAAHAHAHAHHHHAAAAAHHAAAHHAHAAAA!"

This sent Scrappy into a real confused jig. He began running around in circles chasing his own tail, eventually catching it and biting his own ass off. He lay on the ground, bleeding all over.

However on the horizon people approached. As they got closer they could be recognized.

"WOW!" Bush said, really impressed. "It's Sarah Michelle Gellar, Freddie Prinze Jr., Mathew Lillard, and...uh...well..."

Sarah Michelle Gellar threw her hands into the air. "See, NO one ever remembers her! It's like, why is she even here?"

Freddie Prinze Jr. leaned over to her. "Uhm, honey. Please try to stay in character."

"Oh right sorry." Sarah took a dominating stance. "Willow! Xander! Time to fight those vampires! Heya! Whosha!" she shouted, beginning to fight something in the air.

Freddie shook his hands at her. "No no no, not your cash cow character, the other one."

"Oh yeah! The other one." she repeated, calming down.

Bush calmed as well. "Thank God she was here to take care of those fake vampires!"

G.O.R.E. looked on in his usual annoyed to pissed visage.

The other girl crossed her arms and tapped her foot angrily. "God damnit it's Linda Cardellini! Linda Cardellini!" the woman who no one cared about began to explain. "I was in BOTH Scooby Doo movies!"

"And what else?" Mathew Lillard asked.

Linda whoever thought about it for a second before replying. "Go to hell!"

Then they explained how they were there to take Scrappy and help him heal. And then they walked off carrying him into the sunset. I'm sure it would've been pretty dramatic if I had typed it all out.

Bush began marking more names off the list. "Great now we lost Scrappy and Katie Couric has gone M.I.A.L.M.N.O.P.! Who's next?"

And somewhere in the world, Ashley Simpson dies. A press conference is had.

"So we've heard conflicting reports. What did Ashley die of?" a reporter asked.

The doctor shrugged. "Don't know. According to her the bitch had everything! But we have developed a new ailment just in her name."

"What is is?"

"Bullshits Disease."

And with that we're back to our story.

"Well Sir, what should we do now?" G.O.R.E. asked somewhat pensively.

Bush though as deeply as he could before making his next tactical error. "Well I guess we keep sendin' 'em in till they're all dead."

G.O.R.E. huffed. "That's ALWAYS your plan!"

"And hasn't it always worked?"

"NO!"

"Oh...really? Well then I guess we're screwed."

G.O.R.E. rolled his eyes. "Say what you will about this man, but he sure knows how to keep up a perfect record!"

To Be Continued...


	6. Chapter 6: More Battling Sequentially

Recap

George Bush the 23rd and his trusty robot sidekick G.O.R.E. came back to the year 2005 in an attempt to put a stop to the funny sort of war that was going on in their time period. After finding their needed ship and putting together a crew (one of which was unexpectedly replaced, leaving Frankie Muniz stuffed in a locker somewhere), Bush got to work...having a day off. After that it was time for battle! Katie Couric was already missing, and by the time the battle was over for the chapter, Rush Limbaugh had been melted by Brett Butler's acidic vomit while Fran Drescer laughed Scrappy Doo insane, causing him to literally bite his own ass off. Meanwhile off the battlefield, Ashley Simpson died of Bullshits Disease, an ailment created in her honor. Now they were left wondering what would happen next.

G.O.R.E. looked concerned toward their dwindling numbers. He then looked unwillingly back toward Bush.

"Well things don't look too good. And I think the question on everyone's mind is, how exactly are you going to fit the Aestivalis robots into this spoof?"

"Trust me, taken care of." Bush whipped out a cell phone and waited for the ringing in his ear to go away.

An older, Asian woman with a dangerously pointy bra grumbled as she rolled over in bed. She picked up the receiver and smacked her lips.

"Yeah, wadisit?" Rita Repulsa wanted to know.

"Hey Rity, you think you can do me a favor?"

Rita sighed. "No George I've already told you I **don't** know Godzilla so I **can't** get him to come to your birthday party!"

Momentarily forgetting why he called, Bush shed a tear. Composing himself he continued.

"Well that's a tradigity, but I'll somehow stay the course. Anywho, what I really need is for you to make some people big for me with your little stick things. That gonna be possible?"

Rita shrugged. "Sure. S'been slow around here since they started changing Power Rangers every season. Even **I** have trouble keeping up with who I'm supposed to kill these days."

"Thanks, I owe you one. Maybe I can help you plan your next war!" Bush said giddily.

"Yeah...go ahead and mark that down as a 'No'." Rita said before hanging up quickly.

She reached over and poked her husband to wake him.

"Hey Lord Sled." Rita cringed. "Man I'm really running out of ways to mock your name."

Lord Zedd sat up to reply. "Your momma's running out of ways to mock my name!"

"My mother's DEAD!"

"Oh." Zedd thought for a moment. "Then she really should have plenty of time to come up with something new." he said, annoyed the woman wasn't taking more effort.

Rita grunted before telling him what she needed. The two got up and walked to their balcony. Rita held up her staff and Zedd held up his. They crossed them across one another before shouting their demand.

"Magic wands! Make those retards...GROW!"

A multicolored bolt shot out and down to Earth. The two yawned and made their way back to bed. Zedd started rubbing Rita's arm up and down.

"Not now Shed, I've got a headache."

"You mean you've got a bitchache!" Zedd spouted, prouder of himself that he really should be.

Rita shot up in bed and stared him down. "You know sometimes I really consider killing myself." She threw herself down on the bed and tried to get comfortable again. "If it weren't for being Asian and bringing dishonor to my family..."

Down on Earth the retards started to grow. All three women grew to an unimaginable size, especially Roseanne.

G.O.R.E. blinked up at them. "That's...scarily impressive."

"That's nothin'!" Bush giggled. "You should see the ties we have in air traffic controlling."

"Yeah I found some really stupid Anime cartoons in his room." one of the crew was saying about a discovery in Frankie Muniz's room. "It's called Mondo Gecko Gengar. Something about a lizard with a robot skateboard or something."

That's when this figure looked up and saw what had happened and how the three women had grown. That's when he knew it was his turn.

"WAIT!" the person called from the back of the crowd. Bill Clinton jumped into view and saw the three gigantic women in front of him. "This is **my** job!" he said, eyeing the women with devilish curiosity.

As he saw Clinton running off, G.O.R.E. stopped to notice the women were almost protecting a building behind them. Upon looking the building over G.O.R.E. noticed a sign at the top.

'NOT where the bad guy is hiding. Do NOT attack or search here!'

"Well isn't that convenient bullshit." G.O.R.E. looked out at me and saw my Godly disapproving gaze and changed his answer. "I mean...looky!"

Bush did and was excited. "Hey I should get one of those signs for the White House."

"No Sir, you really shouldn't."

Without looking back the two ran past the large women and into the building. Oh yeah! Man this is really exciting! Bush and G.O.R.E. are, like, karate chopping these robots and jumping over lasers. It's the most exciting, action packed thing I've ever seen!

Oh...did I forget to write that part? Sorry. Oh well, too late to go back now.

The two men came up to the highest part of the building. Both are bleeding and bruised from the battle they'd had getting up here. DAMN that was amazing! Oh, I apologize. I'll stop mentioning it. Bush threw open the doors and they both swept inside. In front of them was a giant oak desk with a large leather chair faced away from them. Out the window they could see the large women they'd left behind. It reminded Bush to get something for Laura the 23rd. They thought they were alone until Snickers came from behind the chair.

"Hey!" G.O.R.E. shouted. "Why are you throwing candy bars at us?"

"Oh...what...? Sorry." was apologized from the back of the chair. "Oh, no wait, I'm the bad guy of this story. Hold on, let me get in character." A throat clearing came from behind the chair. "Grrr! snarl I am your father! Okay okay, I think I'm ready."

The chair slowly began turning around. The curly crimson hair was the first to be seen. Next was the pale visage. The figure made it all the way around, then leaned forward with a mad sneer as it clasped its hands in front of it on its desk.

Bush and G.O.R.E. stepped back in shock. They were staring face to face with evil. That evil's name?

Ronald McDonald.


	7. Chapter 7: Your Enemy Wears Clown Shoes

So here's the story I just LOVE to update! I kind of figured after South Park was so mean to him last week Al Gore deserved to have someone write a story about him where he somehow ends up being the only sane one present.

Part Seven: Your Enemy Wears Clown Shoes

Recap

George Bush the 23rd and his trusted robot sidekick G.O.R.E. came back to 2004 to stop a funny sort of war that was going on in their present. They found the Nadesico ship, arranged their crew, but when it came time to fit in the Aestivalis robots into this spoof it was all for naught. Bush called Rita Repulsa and Lord Zedd to make the three women they were fighting grow to an enormous size. Seeing these fifty feet women gave ex President Bill Clinton a chance to jump into the action and have a golden moment. Hopefully not a golden shower, as he would more than likely drown. In the confusion of the fray, Bush and G.O.R.E. snuck into a building G.O.R.E. noticed was conveniently marked as NOT the place the bad guy was hiding. After a senses shattering, kick ass, the Matrix can go to hell battle (which, unfortunately for the readers happened off screen), they made it to the top. There they found out who was behind all the trouble. Their main enemy was none other than Ronald McDonald.

Bush took yet another step further back than the previous one he had taken in the end of the last chapter had taken him. His mind began to whirr to life. His hand went to his throbbing head, this not being a sensation he was used to.

It all started to come back to him. The blushing shoes that day at the cattle auction. Seeing John Kerry at a fast food restaurant earlier today. The fact that I've been calling this a funny sort of war all along.

"Wow!" he muttered. "I mean that second one's kinduva stretch, but damn! That's some pretty well tuned fornishadowin'!"

Please excuse my ego.

"It's all startin' ta make sense now!" Bush exclaimed.

"Now see that's where you loose me on the believability." G.O.R.E. uttered. "And since I don't believe him, why don't YOU tell me what's going on here Mr. McDonald."

"Gladly! Well you remember what was on sale the last time we met Mr. President?"

"Uhhh. Meth?"

"You're not on something again are you Sir?" G.O.R.E. asked in a huff.

"I sniff glue. ... No, wait. That's the stuff I eat."

"I thought those were the mushrooms."

"No that's for when I go save the Princess."

"You mean, when you pretend to go save the princess."

Bush looked at G.O.R.E. slantedly. "I'll have you know I saved the real princess just last week!"

G.O.R.E. sighed. "That was a Barbie doll Sir. You had me throw her off the roof so you could catch her." He let another sigh and an eye roll. "You didn't."

"Well how else was I supposed to get to play doctor with her?" Bush said with an elbow to G.O.R.E.'s ribs or whatever it is androids have there.

G.O.R.E. gritted his teeth or whatever teethy parts androids have there. "You actually had Skipper do that."

"Really? Barbie's sister?"

G.O.R.E. shook his head and muttered, "Mm hmm."

"Wow! She grew up so fast."

"ExCUSE me!" Ronald McDonald screeched while waving his arms wildly. "Hel-lo! Villain telling his story here! The reason for the last six chapters talking! God! Damn! Mother fuckers."

"Oh, sure. Continumatum."

Ronald McDonald's face twitched back, unsure of what Bush had just told him to do. Figuring the silence was good enough, he continued.

"No Mr. President. I believe the last bid before I left was for a cow."

"Well it was a cattle auction."

"It was a special cow shut up!" McDonald yelled back at Bush. He cocked his head to one side and gazed at the men across the room before going on. "A...golden cow if I remember correctly."

"Mooby!" G.O.R.E. exclaimed in shock. "What were you going to do with him?"

"Buy him! It was a cattle auction you dickhole!"

Bush shrugged. "He got you there."

G.O.R.E. got another one those looks like he was going to strangle the President while constipated looks, but washed it away in seconds leaving Bush unstrangled. He turned toward the reading audience.

"Don't think THAT didn't take some practice."

He then reworded his question and asked again.

"Why would you want to buy a golden calf?"

Ronald got a sly, evil smirk before parting his lips and whispering...

"...Because."

Bush gasped. "That's diabiological!" (Look at that word again in case you missed it. I've had that one saved in the bank for a while. Then, after you're done looking, please excuse my ego.)

"That's the only way I do business. Hard!"

G.O.R.E. blinked into a seizure. "Okay what the fuck did that have to do with anything?"

"SILENCE!" McDonald shouted while pointing at them. "Now that you know my plan..."

"What plan!" G.O.R.E. queried. "What FUCKING plan?"

Ronald snickered. "The one that just kicked your ass!" He let a few seconds blink by before going on. "You must be removed."

"You're gonna extremenate us!"

"No, just remove you from the building. Fuck you'd think I was a monster or something." McDonald said in a slight tone of hurt feelings. He clapped a few times. "Fryguys!"

A gaggle of multicolored bushes with legs jumped out of everywhere.

"Oh wait, where ARE my thoughts today. Can't be sexist. Frytwats!"

A gaggle of multicolored bushes with legs and boobs jumped out from underneath McDonald's desk. Together with the other, much more capable Fryguys, they pushed Bush and G.O.R.E. out the door and out of the building.

"Well Sir what are we going to do now?"

"Well I hear the only way to fight fire is with fire. Although I found out that's actually a bad plan when it's your house that's on fire."

"What are you thinking Sir? Wait...you're thinking?"

"I'm hypotinizin' that the only way to fight one annoying redhead is with another annoying redhead."

It was G.O.R.E.'s turn to gasp. "No Sir! You can't possibly mean...!"

"Yes!" Bush interrupted, then continued in a tone that was way overly dramatic.

"Get me Carrot Top."


End file.
